


The Ballad Of Handsome Jack

by Rogue21



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Action, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Borderlands If Vasquez Did Everything First, Characters will get added with each chapter, F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-08-16 02:43:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20168884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rogue21/pseuds/Rogue21
Summary: Everybody’s got a story but no one has a story better than Handsome Jack. Oh sure he sounds like a no-good backstabbing mercenary who’s going to rip your teeth from your jaws and use them for a knuckle-duster, but from what I’ve heard honey, he was more than that in every way.Sound like bullshit Moxxie.Shut it Marcus.





	1. Dirty Jack

**Author's Note:**

> Made a Spotify Playlist for Handsome Jack and it inspired me a little.  
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/72vKEcSOXswtOatJnqf2UO?si=-sR6Kwv5QJqJrCa1yVNBVw

Everyone always wants your help but there’s always a catch, if it’s not Psychos who want another head of their merry-go-round, it’s a big-ass monster with four eyes, large claws and an attitude worthy of a slap to the face. Not that it bothers me, after all I’m Handsome Jack. Sure the name sounds ridiculous the first time you hear it but Pandora has never known me as anything else. See before I ended up with this mask for a face and the name I was a pretty decent guy, had a cushy job at Hyperion as a programmer, I made their robots and yeah those Claptraps, my idea. Patented them myself and got a bunch sold on Elpis…and then Vasquez happened.

Now you see Vasquez was the kind of slick haired, two-faced, slag-faced bastard who would screw you over if it made him look good. And that’s exactly what he did to me, it’s how I ended up in this mask. See this crazy woman named General Zarpdeon took over the Hyperion base while I was down on Elpis on a coding job. I should have let someone else take it instead but no I wanted to be a big shot, well Vasquez was on the base and somehow managed to get a ragtag bunch of Vault Hunters together to stop her, even scored my body double I hired, MY double, can you believe that? I ran into them at Moxxie’s Up and Over bar and well I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to the guy, not important though. They roped me into helping them for a couple odd jobs and then when I got wind of the Vault location, I was determined to make sure Vasquez didn’t get his hands on it, that Vault would have set me up for life and allowed me to become richer than I could ever dream.

Anyway it was in the Vault fighting the Guardian that Vasquez used me as a freaking human shield so he didn’t get hit by an attack and it pretty much messed my face up, I’ve got this stupid Vault symbol stamped on my face, pay me two bucks and you could get a free stamp for a package. I got pissed, he got pissed, he tried to shoot me and I punched him in the face. That was when I got booted down to Pandora and I’ve been stuck here ever since, my body double is still working on Hyperion and judging from the odd Echo I get from him every now and again he’s made friends with some guys named Rhys and Vaughn. Probably a couple of stooges. As for the rest I don’t really care, Nisha, hot as she is, got with Vasquez who is now CEO of Hyperion and pretty much runs Pandora and Elpis, he’s a hero. BULLSHIT! I’m the guy who got stamped in the face to help take that thing down, I should have a freaking statue of myself. The other issue is Vasquez also has my daughter Angel in his clutches, still can’t find her, he’s hidden her well from me, not even my double gets to see her, as far as she knows I’m dead.

Anyway it’s been a few years and well I run the roads by myself, got a guy and girl in every town which is…low because no girl wants to sleep with a guy who’s got a prosthetic face, guys don’t care they don’t have to look me, so if anything I have a guy in every town.

Now where was I, oh yeah Vasquez, bastard, he’s the reason I’m down here. I’ll get my dues someday for now I just have to survive and not get turned into a meat bicycle. Speaking of which. I should put a call into Sanctuary and see how Scooter is getting on with my car.

Now I’m not saying the people of Sanctuary are crazy for trying to take down Hyperion but they’re crazy for thinking that they can stop Vasquez, he’s just hired out a group of four Vault Hunters for some new vault that’s cropped up holding something called the Warrior and I remember all the shit that went down with the Destroyer, hell I was behind those guys finding that shit in the first place, but Vasquez even took credit for that, you know I’m pretty sure if he could he’d claim he was Angel’s father, but if he did that I’d kill him with his own toupee.

Anyway I must be boring you guys so I’m going to the Happy Pig Motel, Scooter’s going to be helping me get the pumps up and running if we want to take back the Three Horns.

Ciao.


	2. Teenage Misfit

The Happy Pig Motel is a shithole, no that’s offensive to shitholes, the Happy Pig Motel is like if someone barfed up a Skag Chunk Stew, threw it in Satan’s Suckhole which then proceeded to barf it back up at you before getting set on fire, that is how I’d describe Happy Pig Motel. Anyway I was heading out there for Scooter as we needed to the board up and working and get the pumps running again. And it was there that I met Gaige.

* * *

I reached the Happy Pig Motel to see a girl of about roughly, seventeen or eighteen sitting on top of a dumpster watching the Echo News Network and she looked mad.

“Stupid Marcie Holloway!” she shouted and punched the dumpster denting it hard with her metal arm. I could tell this girl was hard-core straight off by the arm and I recognised her from the video of that girl exploding everywhere and traumatising a bunch of schoolkids.

“I know right she’s such a bitch,” I said putting on my best teenage girl impersonation. She responded by pointing a gun at me.

“Who are you?” She demanded.

“Just a guy doing some work for the Crimson Raiders, what are you doing here?” I asked her. She shrugged and leaned back against the wall, putting the gun down.

“I got nowhere else to be but it’s better than being in prison,” she told me. I chuckled and leaned against the dumpster.

“Yeah I hear that, name’s Handsome Jack,” I said offering my hand to her.

“Gaige,” she answered shaking my hand politely.

“Sweet arm by the way, let me guess hydraulics in the fingers and digi-struct data in the palm?” I asked her.

“How did you know?”

“I used to be a programmer I know these things, also I saw the video of the girl exploding when your robot attacked her, four hundred million hits in one hour that was impressive,” I said. Gaige sighed and started to fake sob.

“I didn’t mean for her to explode, I figured Death-Trap would just scar her slightly, not outright eviscerate her,” she said dramatically as I went to take a look at the board.

“But you got it under control right?” I asked her.

“Yeah, I’ve been tinkering with him and he works now, so what work do you need to do?” she asked.

“I have to get this board working and the pumps working, you seem smart, want to climb and grab the valve at the top of that water tower?” I asked her.

“What’s in it for me?” she asked.

“I’ll split the money from Scooter with you, he’s only paying fifty bucks for the job but it’s something,” I commented. I heard the sound of metal scraping metal as she ran over to the pump and started to climb it. She was fast and not long after she was back on the ground with the valve.

“I got the valve,” she said and handed it to me.

“Good work, alright Scooter we’ve got the valve, but we’re still missing some stuff,” I said calling up Scooter on the Echo.

“Yeah looks to be that way, you’re gonna need a new capacitator and a gearbox,” Scooter said.

“Well that can’t be too hard to find,” Gaige suggested.

“Sure if you’re not afraid of Bullymongs or Skags,” Scooter advised. “Hey Jack who’s this chick?”

“She was here when I got here, I’ll Echo in when I’ve got everything,” I said and cut him off. “What do you want to fight Bullymongs or Skags?”

“Bullymongs,” she answered immediately.

“Alright, they’re over that way you grab the gearbox and I’ll grab the capacitator, we meet back here alive and finish fixing this piece of crap,” I said and banged the steam pump which seemed to respond by violently spraying out steam.

Now I don’t like Skags, they’re scratty little shitbags that need to just stop existing. So I was not happy to be trying to fight off a bunch of Skags whilst also dealing with a Psycho that had popped up out of nowhere and decided that he wanted to play with me. I stopped him though, a good pistol can carry you through anything. It’s why I keep a pistol on for close range, a rifle for long range and machete because sometimes you need to hack a guy in the neck for getting too close. The capacitator was still intact luckily enough and when I returned to the Motel, there Gaige was sitting there chilling with this awesome looking robot which I’ve seen before because Hyperion bought a bunch of them. Turns out that Marcie kid who blew up stole Gaige’s patent and now her dad makes even more money selling those things. Well we got the steam pumps fixed and Scooter was happy but that’s when the trouble began.

“Alright kid nice work, you just made yourself twenty-five bucks,” I said to her.

“Not bad, that’ll get me dinner,” she said.

“And a few drinks at Moxxie’s,” I added. We high-fived and started to walk back to Sanactuary when a bandit car drove up and started shooting at them.

“GET HER BOYS!” the leader shouted as three of them jumped out of the car and started to run towards her.

“Oh not again,” Gaige said as she sent the Robot after them and started shooting. I grabbed my pistol and started unloading bullets on the Psycho getting closer to me.

I shot the tires of the car that was driving wildly to slow it down and ran towards it. It skittered besides me as I grabbed the door and climbed on.

“Not today crazy,” I said as I grabbed the guy and pushed him out of the car, he rolled several times before I leapt out and hit the ground and the car hit the cliff. That Death-Trap is a fun little robot, he just straight up destroys. When the final guy was left, I picked him up by his collar.

“Hey buddy, do you mind telling me why you decided to start shooting at me and my pal here?” I asked him politely.

“She’s got a bounty, big bounty, she’ll make us rich if we turn her in,” he said slightly scared of me, the mask can put people off.

“How much?” I asked him.

“Enough to get off this planet and buy my own,” he answered. Now that was a lot of money, and I’m an asshole but I’m not the selling-out-a-teenage-girl-for-cash kind of asshole. I smiled at him, head-butted him and then dropped him on the floor.

“Not worth it,” I said. Gaige looked surprised, she shouldn’t have been.

“Well I’m not one to-,” I began before Death-Trap suddenly swiped past me, I turned around to see the guy now dead on the floor, his spine sticking out his back. “I like this robot.”

“I totally deserved first place,” Gaige said.

“You sure did,” I agreed.

“Does this mean we’re a team now because while I think your combat style totally works for your weird lone-wolf archetype, you need me and Death-Trap,” she said to me.

“Kid you’re adorable, really those bunches are cute, but I’ve been here for a good three years now and I’ve never had a teammate in that time, I had a fuckbuddy who met his demise at the hands of a brute named Captain Flynt, but I mainly travel alone, can’t rely on anyone except myself out here,” I explained to her.

“But we would make a great team…and I have nowhere else to go, if I stay out here by myself mostly likely those bandits will show up and try to turn me in again to Eden-5 authorities,” she said to me, giving me this sad puppy-dog look that Angel used to give me. It was sad how much she reminded me of my daughter, she’d be roughly the same age as her.

“Alright fine, but just so we’re clear I do all the talking you and your robot look intimidating, can’t just survive on a bad-ass attitude alone,” I advised her.

“Alright, so we get our fifty bucks and then what?” she asked as we started to walk back to Sanctuary.

“We wait for the next job to roll around, there’s no shortage of crazies,” I said just as an Echo.net Broadcast started.

“Hey y’all Hugo Vasquez, CEO of Hyperion, here just letting all you bandits know that if any of you spot these six criminals report them to me immediately, because we’ve got a proposition for you, oh and if you see that bastard who calls himself Handsome Jack…kill him on sight.” The broadcast cut out and we looked at each other and started to laugh.

“Stick with me kid and you’ll do just fine,” I said ruffling her hair.

* * *

And that’s how I got Gaige on my team. Do I sometimes go into dad mode when she gets into scrapes or she fucks up, sure I do, but who doesn’t crack the odd dad joke? Look I get enough crap from Tiny Tina calling me daddy when she wants a favour, but you don’t want to piss off a thirteen year old who deals in explosives.


	3. Greaser

I have to tell you, Gaige was best teammate I could have asked for, she was able to get better at aiming the more crazy she got, she’d fire bullets behind her and they’d kill guys in front of her, it was crazy. We did a couple of jobs together and made enough to get by, not enough to rent a place in Sanctuary although Moxxie did let us live in one of the booths…and then Axton joined the mix and let me tell you, Axton, he’s a good lay.

* * *

After doing a job for Moxxie that involved stealing dirty pictures of her from Marcus, we were resting up in her bar when I saw him walk in. Tall, ex-military, had an ass that wouldn’t quit, oh yeah I was itching for a lay, masturbation gets boring after a while. Moxxie had given me something strong and we both saw him walk in.

“Oh sugar no,” Moxxie said to me.

“Sugar yes,” I said checking him out. “What you jealous that he might pick me instead of you?”

“Oh please, he looks like a man who knows a good woman when he sees one,” she said.

“Yes, I see two very good reasons why he might pick you,” I said side-eying her jugs. Sometimes I still can’t believe I used to date her.

“Give me something strong, I’m only here for a couple days transit before I move out to Southern Shelf for a job,” he said slapping some bills on the counter.

“Plan to do anything interesting while you’re here then?” I asked him.

“I haven’t decided yet,” he answered.

“Oh I can think of a few activities we can do,” Moxxie said pushing a bottle towards him. He laughed and then looked to me, eyes looking me up and down, and I winked at him.

“You know of anything fun we can do?” he asked me.

“Sure do, name’s Jack,” said holding my hand out to Moxxie. She sighed and placed some keys in my hand.

“Bastard, you get one hour,” she muttered.

“Name’s Axton,” he answered and took a swig of his drink.

“I’ll let you finish your drink first,” I said and downed my drink. Gaige gave me a thumbs up before going back to swooning over Hammerlock, poor kid. Soon as Axton was done with his drink he nudged me and gestured to the key.

“So where does that key lead to?” he asked. I grinned and stood up from my seat.

“Follow me.”

The key led to Moxxie’s personal ‘shag shack’ which was just several rooms that she lets patrons fuck in so they don’t get it on in the booths. I pulled Axton into room 3 and locked the door.

“So Axton, what’s a Dahl boy like you doing down in this Suckhole?” I asked as I shrugged off my duster.

“I’m looking for a vault, that Vasquez guy needs some hands so I’m getting in on the action, but I don’t want to talk about work, I want to know what’s beneath that Hyperion sweater,” he said starting to undress himself. I obliged and stripped down, now I’m proud of what I’ve got to work with but Axton must have cheated at genetics to get that dick, I was impressed. Once the underwear was tossed aside I tilted my head sideways.

“Are you going to fuck me with that?” I asked him.

“Do you want to be fucked by this?” he retorted.

“Yes sir!” I said eagerly. Axton was quick to pull me into a very rough kiss, grabbing anything and everything, he shoved me down onto the bed face first into the pillow which I’m pretty sure smelled of sweat, shame and a previous fuck. I turned my face to get a good look at him.

“You’re not going to be able to walk after this,” he warned me spitting into his palm and slicking his dick good. I liked his style. I got comfortable as he warmed me up with his touch, teasing my cock with his free hand as he started to slowly fuck me. His fingers were rough but they were good ones.

“You like that Jack?” he whispered as he gripped my hardened member and tugged it.

“Do that again,” I muttered. I hadn’t been done this good since Greaser, he was the one who got killed by Captain Flynt. I miss Greaser, idiot should never have decided to come with me to Southern Shelf.

“You want me to do that again?” Axton asked tugging again.

“Just like that,” I yelped slightly. “Do that one more time and Moxxie’s gonna charge me for these sheets.” Axton laughed and let go of me, pushing my head down into the pillow and thrusting hard.

“Fuck, yes, that’s it, harder!” I cried, my voice muffled slightly by the gross sweaty pillow. Axton laughed and kept going, his hand grasped my hips firmly and set into a good rhythm which seemed to speed up, before I heard his voice cracking orgasm noise. He came to rest on top of me, breathing heavily, probably making those bedsheets even grosser than they looked.

“You enjoy that?” I asked him.

“Very much, you alright?”

“Not as good as you it seems, want to help me out here?” I suggested. Axton grinned, pulled out and flipped me over, straddling me and gripping my cock tight. Something told me he hadn’t had this much fun in a while.

“Sure thing stud,” he answered before leaning down to kiss me. He tasted like whiskey and motor oil, not sure where the motor oil came from, but I liked it either way, the way he stroked me, the way his tongue would drag itself across mine. As he rubbed me I felt my body violently shiver as I reached my peak.

“Oh fuck yeah that’s the stuff,” I said feeling my whole body just drop. I breathed in and out quickly as I lay there. Axton seemed pleased with his handy work looking down at me.

“Been a while since someone appreciated my work like that, or are you just hoping it’ll get you a second round?” he asked me.

“No, I appreciate it, it’s rare to find someone who’s got fingers like you on this planet,” I said sitting up. Axton laughed and answered my comment with a kiss on the lips. Then a bang on the door took my attention.

“Ten minutes Jack, I need that room!” Moxxie shouted from the other side. I laughed and reached for my shirt and started to put it back on.

“She carries extra copies so she will walk straight in,” I warned him. Axton heeded my warning and when ten minutes was up Moxxie opened the door to see us both fully dressed with smiles on our faces.

“My keys,” she demanded. I handed them over and stuck my tongue out at her.

“Point Jack,” I said with a smile.

Back in the bar, Gaige was sitting in our booth with a pizza and a couple beers. She flagged us down.

“Have fun?” she asked me.

“Kid have you ever had a boyfriend?” I asked her as Axton and I sat on the other side of the booth.

“No, boys thought I was too nerdy,” she answered and leaned back in her seat.

“She yours?” Axton asked me.

“No, my daughter is in Vasquez’s custody, bastard takes my glory, my promotion, my apartment and then he holds my daughter hostage and boots me down to this wasteland, at least he didn’t break my Oz kit when we were on Elpis,” I said to him.

“You guys not fans of Vasquez then?” Axton asked.

“Nope, he wants me dead and I’m pretty sure he would turn Gaige into Eden-5 authorities to make himself even richer than he already is,” I pointed out. Gaige nodded.

“Well he hired me for that Vault Hunter mission, if you guys want you can come to Southern Shelf with me, according to his details I’m being hired alongside his girlfriend Nisha, Lady Hammerlock and some short guy named Salvador,” Axton told us.

“Did I hear right in that my sister has been hired by Vasquez,” Hammerlock interjected.

“Yep, crazy right?” I said.

“Well then if you’re going to Southern Shelf I’ll come too, I have to study the Bullymongs down there and I could use the backup, I’ll pay the both of your two hundred and fifty dollars each,” Hammerlock offered.

“What do you say Gaige, want to go hunt Bullymongs and see what Wallethead is up to?” I said to her. She nodded and pointed her fist toward me, we fist-bumped and turned to Hammerlock.

“We accept the job,” she said excitedly.

* * *

And that was how I ended up meeting Axton…look you asked how I met Axton and I told you how we met don’t give me that look. Anyway we headed out to Southern Shelf the day after with Axton and Hammerlock and there…well that was when shit hit the fan and I lost my mask.


	4. Liars And Claptraps

I’m going to be honest with you, I’m vain as hell, pretty sure my dad was a model of some kind, and grandma would say I looked just like him as she beat me with her bat she had specially designed. Women would look my way and paw at me when I walked into a room and I’ve made several men leave their wives. I was handsome in every conceivable way until that WALLETHEAD Vasquez ruined everything. Southern Shelf was supposed to be a simple job where I stop Hammerlock from getting eaten by monsters and killed by raiders but no, Vasquez caught wind of us being down there and used this as an opportunity to try and get me killed, this was after he tried to kill his Vault Hunters because they were in his words ‘expendable’. Look you wanted to know how I got the key and this was where it all began. We were running a different train than Axton at the time, we had no idea Vasquez was going to blow them up until we met them in Liars Berg.

* * *

Gaige, Hammerlock and all I got to Liars Berg on a different train, Axton’s train was after ours as he had to meet the other Vault hunters. Liars Berg was abandoned after Vasquez went through with his Hyperion goons and slaughtered everyone and a bunch of Captain Flynt’s boys were now living there.

“Would you like to do the honours Gaige?” I asked her as she summoned Deathtrap.

“With pleasure,” she answered and darted off into the berg while Hammerlock and I watched.

“She’s a little spitfire isn’t she,” Hammerlock commented as we watched her destroy everyone there.

“A little spitfire who killed a girl, my body count is higher though,” I said as an Echo came in. Doppel-Jack was calling.

“Hey sexy,” I answered as a video showed up of Doppel-Jack and his two dweeby friends Rhys and Vaughn.

“Hey Jack, Rhys, Vaughn and I are on a lunch break, we wanted to check in because Vasquez has some vault plans going on today, wanted to make sure you were still alive,” he said to me.

“I’m still alive and handsome, you don’t need to worry about me I’m out in Southern Shelf with my new friend Gaige,” I said and showed him Gaige killing thugs with her robot.

“Ooh sweet robot is that the one that killed that school girl?” Vaughn asked with intrigue.

“The very same, he’s called Deathtrap,” I said. Suddenly there was a rumble and a loud explosion as we saw a cloud of smoke start to rise into the air. “That can’t be good, I have to go, you guys stay low.” And I hung up.

“What was that?” Hammerlock wondered as we caught up with Gaige who had stopped as well to look at the smoke.

“I don’t know, but it was big, probably dynamite, Tina would know,” I answered. My Echo started beeping as a Hyperion broadcast began playing.

“Hi everybody Hugo Vasquez, CEO of Hyperion here, I just wanted to inform you all that the notorious bandit known as Handsome Jack just blew up a train containing four Vault Hunters that were hired by me for an expedition to a vault, I am offering a five million dollar reward to anyone on Pandora who can catch and turn in Handsome Jack, consider this carefully, ciao.” That bastard!

“Fuck you Vasquez and that rag you call a toupee!” I shouted kicking the snow.

“Well looks like you’ve got a bigger target on your head than the Crimson Raiders at this point Jack, my sister was on that train, I hope he’s bluffing and he hasn’t killed her,” Hammerlock said.

“He’d do it, you weren’t on Elpis when he tried to kill me the first time,” I told him.

“Uh guys, we have a problem,” Gaige said as she pointed to the gate. A good dozen marauders and psychos were heading our way probably all wanting to get that five million.

“Well shit, where can we hide?” I asked.

“That house, we can turn on the electrified gate and bunker down until they either give up or die,” Hammerlock said. We headed on over to the house which had high walls and an electrified gate and locked ourselves in. With the power on, I climbed to the roof of the house, got out my sniper and started to shoot the bandits. My Echo sounded as it was Doppel-Jack and his buddies.

“So we just heard you blew up a train,” Doppel-Jack said as the screen popped up.

“And Captain Flynt’s crew now have me surrounded, you saw the broadcast then,” I said.

“We could offer some assistance if you want,” Vaughn suggested.

“You guys are up on Helios, how are you going to help me down here without Vasquez catching you?” I asked him.

“Well you’re going to need it or you’ll be stuck in there for a while,” Rhys interjected.

“Got any ideas then?” I asked as I fired a shot at a marauder.

“Claptrap!” Doppel-Jack said suddenly.

“What!” I cried. “You still have him?”

“He’s been in power-saving mode for three years but I still have him, we can send him down to the crash site and look for the Vault Hunters,” Doppel-Jack told me.

“I’m detecting heat signatures down on the crash site, there’s a chance they’re still alive,” Rhys added in.

“Alright send the dancing maniac down, if you ever want to get in on this Pandora action, you three could make great bandits, you’re already defying Vasquez by talking to me,” I told them.

“I have thought about it,” Vaughn said.

“We’re better off up here as your spies, we’ll send down Claptrap,” Doppel-Jack said and cut off. They better pull through.

* * *

Two hours passed by and Flynt’s crew were still wandering the berg waiting for us to leave beyond the confines of the electrified fence.

“Did your friends even send down the Claptrap?” Gaige asked me. We were sitting on top of the roof watching the marauders, occasionally one would shoot at us but they’d miss.

“They better have,” I said. Suddenly gunfire started as we watched from the roof and saw three individuals sprinting into the berg and my Claptrap following behind.

“Well looks like they’re here,” I said. And all alive too, Axton had his turret out, Aurelia I remembered from Elpis but the little short man I wasn’t familiar with.

“Hey I’m patched through Jack, how the heck are you?” I heard Claptrap ask me over the Echo.

“Claptrap, still optimistic I see,” I said.

“You know it, but uh my eye got ripped out by a Bullymong, my minions got it back but we need someone to repair it,” Claptrap said.

“No worries you little crazy bot you, I’ll fix you up,” I said.

“Good to hear a friendly voice, I hear Vasquez put out a big bounty on your head,” I heard Axton say patching through.

“Axton you’re alive, clear out the berg and we’ll un-electrify the gate,” Jack said as I signalled down to Hammerlock.

“You got it.” I jumped down the ground and I saw Hammerlock fuming.

“I see she survived,” he said coldly.

“You really hate her don’t you,” I noted.

“She’s an ice-cold bitch,” Hammerlock spat as he watched Claptrap run into the gate and get electrocuted. I laughed as I watched the unit fall backwards and make a funny squeal sound. “But that made me feel better.” We opened up the gate and walked over to Claptrap and his band of followers.

“So what’s the story, Vasquez blows up a train and three out of his four vault hunters survive?” I asked them.

“Nisha wasn’t on the train, the little whore was still in Lynchwood and sent us an Echo saying that it wasn’t personal, just business,” Aurelia said.

“Vasquez you little shit,” I muttered to myself. “There was no vault was there!”

“No there is a vault, but he’s framing you as a mad-man who wants to stop any and all vault hunters from getting to it,” the short man said.

“And you are?” I asked him.

“Salvador!” he said enthusiastically.

“Oh this is great, alright here’s what we do, there is a group of bandits led by Captain Flynt who want to skin me alive and roast me for five million, we’re going to wipe them out and steal his ship to get back to the Three Horns after that we're going to find Roland, find Tina and find a way to get back at Vasquez,” I told them.

* * *

It sounded like a plan, little did I know that bitch Captain Flynt was going to pull a stunt that has left me exposing this scar for the rest of my life and that Extra-Terrestrial Twink Zer0 was going to show up, do you know how hard it is to find a good prosthetic surgeon on this dump that’s not Doctor Zed?


End file.
